Then Is It About Mental Illness?

So, if it’s not about the guns, then what is it about?

Now that a few days have passed since the horrific incidents last week, the good news is that the focus isn’t just on gun control anymore, but is expanding to the state of mental illness and how we deal with it, the money-driven pharmaceutical industry, and cultural phenomena that may contribute to such incidents occurring (e.g., proliferation of violent video games & movies desensitizing us, especially as it pertains to children).

However, what still doesn’t seem to have been addressed — except as it’s been briefly touched upon here — is facing the fact that some people are born with brains that will ultimately lead to committing horrendous acts of destruction no matter how they’re raised, unless & until we acknowledge that psychopathy and similar personality disorders exist and that those thusly disordered are not a product of upbringing or society, but of biology.  In fact, evidence is mounting that brains of psychopaths are structurally different from those of non-psychopaths.  How it manifests itself may be somewhat malleable, but whether or not it will manifest is absolutely undeniable.  This must be recognized, and we need to learn how to protect ourselves from it and those afflicted by it.

It's Not About Guns

Yes, it should certainly be a stringent process to procure a firearm.  However, guns aren’t the problem here.  The problem is that humankind is collectively oblivious to some basic tenets of human nature.  Unless & until we recognize the reality of “The Bad Seed”, we will continue to suffer horrific acts of malicious violence and other life-destroying deeds.

Most of us believe that humans are born good, and that some among us are made bad.  When someone does something as inconceivable as this, we unrelentingly search for something in the background of the perpetrator to explain it, typically blaming upbringing and/or some traumatic or triggering event.

In fact, some psychopaths or similarly personality disordered people on the psychopathy spectrum may well have been influenced by child abuse.  Since it is likely that those conditions are inherited, it is as likely that sometimes those on the spectrum raise children on the spectrum, so some will have been abused to some degree.  However, it is just as likely that some were raised by a parent who was merely a carrier, but not thusly afflicted, and who suffered no such abuse.

Whether or not someone on the spectrum was a recipient of abuse by a parent on the spectrum, s/he is still on the spectrum, and will behave in ways indicative of its inherent glibness, arrogance, and lack of empathy & conscience.  It is a neurological disorder for which there is currently no cure, nor even proven treatment to make those afflicted less dangerous to the rest of us.  Furthermore, even if or when such a “cure” were to be discovered, there’s the added conundrum unique to this disorder of motivation to seek or allow it by the disordered.  Afterall, s/he doesn’t know what s/he’s missing by lacking ability to love and feel empathy, so why would s/he want to be cured?  Indeed, s/he sees those of us who do feel the emotions of which s/he’s incapable as contemptible, a source of amusement, and to be used for their feelings.

This is not to say that the perpetrator in Connecticut on December 14^th was anywhere on the psychopathy spectrum, although, as an educated layperson on the subject, I highly suspect so.  It is to say that chances are excellent that psychopathy was involved somehow in his life, as even those who are not psychopathic but who commit heinous acts are typically the victims of them, sometimes even unwitting accomplices.

Just as a talking point:  How to Stop a Massacre

Trust Your Pain

Our minds and bodies are designed to feel pain as an alert to a signal to which we must pay attention in order to shield ourselves from further pain. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away; instead it allows the source to persist in inflicting it.

The conundrum that so many face may be differentiating between acknowledging the pain versus dwelling in it, much like how we often mishandle guilt, which is another feeling that is a signal to do something, not a feeling in which to remain and endlessly suffer.

What to do with pain is muddled in our minds by the disordered person who delivers maneuvers such as gaslighting, repeated attacks, and other manipulations of signals and our thinking processes, which confuse & distract us from dealing with it, keeping us in a constant state of pain and “fight or flight” which shorts our circuits and wears us down. Thus the resulting post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Psychopaths sabotage our signals. It is imperative to trust our pain and our gut reactions to it.

Healthy Guilt, and When an Apology Isn’t Enough

Guilt has a place in our lives, which is why we empaths feel it. It is not for dwelling in and shaming ourselves, but for alerting us to a wrong we’ve committed, intended or not, so as to make amends to our best ability, and proceed to remedy that which is within us in an effort to do better the next time we’re presented a similar situation. So long as we do that we are learning and growing, not to mention modeling the behavior for those in our care so that they, too, can know how to learn and grow, make amends and forgive themselves.

Sometimes an apology is enough; sometimes it’s just a beginning. Ever wonder why sometimes when we say, “I'm sorry,” that the recipient still exhibits hurt or anger? That’s because we may need to complete the cycle of amends. The process goes like this:

1. Recognize we’ve hurt someone, intentionally or not.

2. Apologize.

3. Offer and follow through on any possible, preferably mutually agreeable, amends.

4. Request forgiveness. If we don’t get it on the first try, then ask what, if anything, would earn it. Evaluate the response, and act accordingly, depending upon how reasonable the request is to us.

5. Ultimately, forgive ourselves, and work on anything necessary within ourselves that may decrease the likelihood of committing the offense again.

We empaths have a tendency to earn our own forgiveness, whether or not we grant it to ourselves.

Expect Less

When it comes to psychopaths and similarly disordered people, let’s lower our expectations to the bare bottom, and plan accordingly. Then, if & when they do anything apparently positive, it'll be a welcome (or not) turn of events, instead of constant disappointment & disintegration of our best laid plans.

What about court-appointed visitations, or monies ordered but not forthcoming? Get used to making a “Plan B”; get into the habit, expect it.

What about when we make plans and the narcissist or psychopath intervenes? Weigh the pros & cons, especially in light of smart-made plans in the first place (practice will help make perfect). If it makes sense to change the plan because of the psychopath whose plan or lack thereof attempts to demand it, then go ahead (document the accommodation); if not, then hold steadfast, in the calmest, most level-headed & firm righteousness musterable. Keeping a smile on one’s face while negotiating this, regardless of whether or not s/he can see it, will go a long way toward a successful outcome.

Changing our perspectives to the reverse, isn’t it more gratifying to conservatively commit and then happily surprise than to overly optimistically commit and then sadly disappoint? Promise near the minimum, and come out even or ahead. Expect nothing, and get what we planned for or possibly much more.

Granted, it's far more financially involved for exes, especially with children. It stinks that these direly disordered people get away with what they do, while we suffer insult after insult to our psyches & pocketbooks. Let’s look forward to the day when we are all doing well, that awareness of psychopathy and the damage they do and preventive measures pervade our population.

That day really will come. We will make sure it does, won’t we?