Trust Your Pain

Our minds and bodies are designed to feel pain as an alert to a signal to which we must pay attention in order to shield ourselves from further pain. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away; instead it allows the source to persist in inflicting it.

The conundrum that so many face may be differentiating between acknowledging the pain versus dwelling in it, much like how we often mishandle guilt, which is another feeling that is a signal to do something, not a feeling in which to remain and endlessly suffer.

What to do with pain is muddled in our minds by the disordered person who delivers maneuvers such as gaslighting, repeated attacks, and other manipulations of signals and our thinking processes, which confuse & distract us from dealing with it, keeping us in a constant state of pain and “fight or flight” which shorts our circuits and wears us down. Thus the resulting post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Psychopaths sabotage our signals. It is imperative to trust our pain and our gut reactions to it.

Healthy Guilt, and When an Apology Isn’t Enough

Guilt has a place in our lives, which is why we empaths feel it. It is not for dwelling in and shaming ourselves, but for alerting us to a wrong we’ve committed, intended or not, so as to make amends to our best ability, and proceed to remedy that which is within us in an effort to do better the next time we’re presented a similar situation. So long as we do that we are learning and growing, not to mention modeling the behavior for those in our care so that they, too, can know how to learn and grow, make amends and forgive themselves.

Sometimes an apology is enough; sometimes it’s just a beginning. Ever wonder why sometimes when we say, “I'm sorry,” that the recipient still exhibits hurt or anger? That’s because we may need to complete the cycle of amends. The process goes like this:

1. Recognize we’ve hurt someone, intentionally or not.

2. Apologize.

3. Offer and follow through on any possible, preferably mutually agreeable, amends.

4. Request forgiveness. If we don’t get it on the first try, then ask what, if anything, would earn it. Evaluate the response, and act accordingly, depending upon how reasonable the request is to us.

5. Ultimately, forgive ourselves, and work on anything necessary within ourselves that may decrease the likelihood of committing the offense again.

We empaths have a tendency to earn our own forgiveness, whether or not we grant it to ourselves.

Expect Less

When it comes to psychopaths and similarly disordered people, let’s lower our expectations to the bare bottom, and plan accordingly. Then, if & when they do anything apparently positive, it'll be a welcome (or not) turn of events, instead of constant disappointment & disintegration of our best laid plans.

What about court-appointed visitations, or monies ordered but not forthcoming? Get used to making a “Plan B”; get into the habit, expect it.

What about when we make plans and the narcissist or psychopath intervenes? Weigh the pros & cons, especially in light of smart-made plans in the first place (practice will help make perfect). If it makes sense to change the plan because of the psychopath whose plan or lack thereof attempts to demand it, then go ahead (document the accommodation); if not, then hold steadfast, in the calmest, most level-headed & firm righteousness musterable. Keeping a smile on one’s face while negotiating this, regardless of whether or not s/he can see it, will go a long way toward a successful outcome.

Changing our perspectives to the reverse, isn’t it more gratifying to conservatively commit and then happily surprise than to overly optimistically commit and then sadly disappoint? Promise near the minimum, and come out even or ahead. Expect nothing, and get what we planned for or possibly much more.

Granted, it's far more financially involved for exes, especially with children. It stinks that these direly disordered people get away with what they do, while we suffer insult after insult to our psyches & pocketbooks. Let’s look forward to the day when we are all doing well, that awareness of psychopathy and the damage they do and preventive measures pervade our population.

That day really will come. We will make sure it does, won’t we?

Supporting Is Solving

Commiserating, relating to and validating one another’s experiences and its collective aftermath, and naturally or purposefully problem-solving is what we do in supportive groups online & in-person all the time, with one overlapping the other serving dual purposes at times. Healing and recovering is a solution, and we are each in varying states of that, with our sharing an integral contributing factor.

Sometimes it may feel no solutions are forthcoming when we do share our experiences and pain, but just the act of doing that is a solution. There’ve been times when we’ve felt so frustrated that there wasn’t more to do toward ensuring a more comprehensive solution, and that’s what’s led us to write blogs, record videos, start support groups, publish books, and produce programs on the topic. It is all problem-solving, and there’s more to do that each of us so inclined can participate in doing or initiate ourselves.

There is a movement taking place right here & now to raise awareness, and we seeking support are part of why. Whether or not any individual involved has specifically done anything to educate the public, it has been our gathering and sharing that has sparked it.

Ask Why of Those Who Know

By now most have read or heard about the Penn State University scandal involving a hoard of culprits covering up the alleged sexual abuse perpetrated by Assistant Coach, Gerald Arthur (Jerry) Sandusky.

The mother of Sandusky's “Victim #1” says she just wants to ask him, “Why?”

It is so frustrating that those victimized reliably & repeatedly express that.

Chances are in cases such as this that the perpetrator is a psychopath. There is no “getting to the heart” of a psychopath, because no matter how deep down one digs, there’s still no heart. There is no getting the truth from one, because they seldom tell it, and if they do, it’s for their own personal gain or to further harm others.

Ask, “Why,” but don't ask it of the psychopath; ask it of those who’ve been studying them and diligently searching for ways to proactively protect good & decent people from them with awareness and prevention.

Not only that, when we ask it merely feeds their pleasure at our pain. They feel only contempt for we weird loving people with empathy and a collective conscience. Pleading with them or expressing our grief just plays into their game, a side benefit to their devastating doings in a game they intend to win.